Do You Hate Me, Too?
by chris-daae
Summary: Based on a prompt from tumblr: "Do you hate me, too?" A man can only take so much.


It was all Christine's idea. Going to the north, traveling by villages, starting from the zero. Raoul didn't think much before accepting, he would follow Christine to hell and back if she asked him. And she was so excited about it, her dreamy expression and beautiful smile showing as she started marking the places she wanted to visit in the map. How could he refuse?

So they started their trip, and it was nothing like he imagined his life with Christine would be. Raoul got to know the places that held special memories for her and he really liked it, liked that she was sharing with him things that were so precious to her. But they would spend their nights in small inns, having just enough money for the next day, and it was so cold in there, and he was not good with the language, and they had to walk all day and work and it was starting to become too much for him.  
Raoul always said he didn't care for luxuries, but he grew up with them, and this new lifestyle was hard to adapt to.  
Christine, on the other hand, was content. That's how she grew up. Raoul knew that all of it reminded her of the good times she spent with her father, and maybe the reason why she wanted to do it so much was so she could try to relive these moments.  
If she was happy, Raoul could be happy too.  
And it was not like he had any other choice. He took a few months to find out he could never go back home, being accused of a crime he didn't even know that happened. Raoul didn't even get to mourn his brother properly, as he didn't want Christine to feel guilty for what happened. She already carried too much weight on her own.  
Raoul never blamed her, for anything. None of what happened was her fault, it was all the monster's. Christine was as much a victim as he was himself. Maybe more.

Raoul expect they would be married by now. He asked her, or better he tried. Every time the subject came, she would run away from it. Christine didn't reject him, and maybe that was what made it all worse. Like always, he couldn't tell what she really felt. Sometimes he felt like she was playing with his heart, and he hurt so much because of this thought that he wanted to just get rid of it.  
Sometimes, people assumed they were already married. Raoul would blush but never wanted to correct them. Christine was always quick to say that it wasn't the case. Did the idea of marrying him bother her? Sometimes, people assumed they were siblings or cousins. This was an idea that bothered Raoul much more than he wanted to show.  
But could he blame them? It was improper that a young lady and a young gentleman would be living together like they did if they were not married or relatives. Yet, they never did anything improper, never even held hands, and if they shared a room sometimes, it was only because there was no money for two. This made the situation even worse. Raoul worried about what people would say about Christine for living in such a way. Maybe she didn't even see Raoul as a man, and that's why she never saw the problem there. Maybe she could only see him as a brother.  
Raoul could barely sleep at night, all these questions haunting him, but he didn't dare asking Christine. Not after everything she went through.  
But a man can only take so much.

It was a cold afternoon. It was their second day in that village, whose name Raoul couldn't pronounce. They were taking a walk together, Christine stopped to point at shops and trees and everything that would call her attention. Raoul loved her expression, the gentle smile that she showed. They visited together many villages that for him looked just the same as this, but she always found something new, something that she made seem so exciting and wonderful.  
Raoul really loved this woman.  
"Look, there's a church over there.", Raoul pointed. It was small and old-looking, but there was some beauty in it.  
Christine grew suddenly serious.  
"Maybe we should visit it soon.", he continued.  
Christine nodded.  
"Maybe."  
Raoul noticed she didn't seem so excited about it. He never saw her praying, and at least in the time they were together she never visited a church either.  
"I wonder if the priest is there? Maybe we can talk to him about it.", Raoul said.  
Christine stopped walking.  
"Talk about what?"  
"About our wedding."  
"Raoul-", she started, but he interrupted her.  
"It has been one year, Christine. One year since we left Paris. Haven't we waited enough?"  
Christine lowered her head, silent for a moment. Finally, she said:  
"I think the bakery is still open. Do you want to try a Swedish pastry?"  
"I already tasted all of them.", Raoul replied, in a cold tone.  
Christine grew silent again.  
"You could at least give me an answer."  
"You didn't ask me a question. In fact, you seem to already have made your mind about everything."  
"You know very well what I am talking about, Christine.", Raoul said, impacient. "How many times should I have to propose until you finally give me an answer? If you don't love me, at least say so!"  
"I… love you, Raoul.", Christine replied, in a low and sad voice.  
"Not enough to take me as your husband, it seems! It actually doesn't seem you love me at all. Tell me, what are we waiting for?"  
"It's complicated…", Christine said, not looking into Raoul's eyes.  
"No, it's not. If you love me as you claim you do, and I love you… There's nothing simpler than that. Or is there another promise that I should know about? Maybe you didn't even want to be here, maybe you wished you stayed down there with the monster!"  
"Don't you dare to bring him up now!", shouted Christine. "You don't know anything about him or about what happened there!"  
That was it. Hearing Christine defending that creature again was all that it took for Raoul to let his rage to completely take control.  
"Yes, I really don't! What happened there, Christine? Did he take you as his bride in the end? Maybe you should have stayed with him, so you two could live as a couple of rats in the cellar!"  
"Shut the fuck up!"  
Christine's face was red, but not of shame. If Raoul was in rage, Christine was furious.  
He never expected to hear such a strong wrong coming from her delicate lips. The shock eased Raoul's anger a bit, leaving only sadness in its place.  
"Maybe you really should regret coming with me.", he said, lowering his eyes. "Maybe you already hate me."  
"No, Raoul. It's you who hate me.", Christine replied, her fury replaced with bitterness.  
They both stayed in silence, not knowing what else to say. The exchange hurt them both, but it wasn't only this. There were too many unanswered questions, too many unsolved problems that until now they were avoiding, ignoring.  
"It's cold here.", Raoul finally said. "I'm going back."  
"You were going to travel to the pole. Does a bit of cold bothers you so much?"  
"I was not expecting for a life of coldness."

Raoul did not go to eat. He didn't feel hunger, he didn't feel anything. Why did he say that? Why didn't he think? How did he let himself go so low, to say something so offensive to the woman he loved?  
If Christine didn't hate him before, now she should!  
He didn't even know if she was back already. It was already late. He didn't have the courage to check on her in her room, still not knowing how to face her after his horrible words.  
A knock on his door. Raoul slowly got up to answer it. As he imagined, it was Christine.  
They stared at each other, the raw emotions of earlier now gone.  
"I'm glad you're back.", Raoul said.  
"May I come in?", Christine asked, in a low voice.  
Raoul gave a step back, opening the door wider so she could enter.  
"You know, if we keep living like this, people will start to talk."  
"People have already talked worse about me.", Christine replied. She paused. "Do you mind it if people talk?"  
"I worry only for your sake, Christine.", Raoul answered truthfully. "They have talked much worse about me too."  
Christine gave a faint smile, and without invitation sat down on the bed. Raoul sat beside her.  
"I'm so sorry, Christine. I never meant anything of what I said. You didn't deserve to hear any of it. I don't know what made me say that."  
Christine put her hand over Raoul's.  
"You were right. I had no right to talk about it, I don't know anything. I had no right to accuse you like that."  
"It's okay, Raoul. I guess I gave you reason to think that way."  
"No, you didn't.", Raoul said, looking at their linked hands.  
He waited a little before speaking again.  
"I want to hear you, Christine. I want to know what you think, what you feel. But you have to tell me. If you don't, you leave room for my imagination to take the worst turns. Why can't you open yourself to me again, like that day at the rooftop?"  
"That day at the rooftop almost costed our lives.", Christine said with a sad smile.  
"There's no one keeping eyes on us anymore now, is there?"  
Christine started caressing Raoul's hand, looking at it instead of his eyes.  
"No, there isn't."  
And she said no more.  
"Will you ever tell me what happened that night? How you managed to save us both?", Raoul asked.  
"I will.", Christine replied. She was not ready yet, but she knew one day she would. "Will you ever tell me how you managed to get there?"  
"I don't even know that myself.", he replied, managing to let out a small laugh.  
They fell into some instants of comfortable silence.  
"I promise I won't mention him, or any of it again. If that's what you want."  
Christine sighed.  
"No. We should be able to talk about it."  
"You may take your time."  
Christine suddenly pulled her hand away.  
"I am sorry, Raoul. About your brother, your family.", she whispered, looking at her own hand.  
"It's not your fault."  
"It's because of me that you got involved in all of this. I ruined your life."  
"I don't mind."  
Christine lowered her head, hiding a tear.  
"I want to marry you.", she whispered.  
"You do?"  
Christine nodded.  
"Just, not now. I am not ready."  
"What do you mean?", Raoul could not understand. If he wanted it and she wanted it, why wait?  
Christine didn't answered immediately. She stayed quiet for a while, thinking. Raoul couldn't know what thoughts went through her mind.  
"Did you realize that there will be no one in our wedding? Everyone we loved, is either gone or left behind."  
Raoul knew she was thinking of her parents, and the Valerius, and all the friends who didn't even know where she was now. And he also thought of his beloved parents, both gone, of Phillipe, who was for him a brother and a father, of his old aunt and of his sisters, who probably blamed him for…  
And a tear came to his eye. But Christine was not right.  
"Not everyone. I still have you.", as she didn't say anything, he added. "And you have me too. Forever."  
This time, it was his hand that found hers.  
"I know it's not much, but…", he couldn't finish. He knew it could never be enough. He knew it could never replace all they lost.  
"I know this is not the life you wanted."  
"It's not the life you wanted either. But we can do this. Together."  
Christine showed him a sad smile. He gently squeezed her hand.  
"And who knows. Maybe we can go back someday."  
"Do you think so?", she asked, tried to be hopeful.  
"People will forget. Let them have their mystery to gossip now. They'll eventually find a new one."  
Raoul wrapped an arm around Christine's shoulder.  
"But we always have the option of staying here."  
"Even if it's cold?", Christine asked, her tone a bit playful.  
"I think I can learn to love the cold too."


End file.
